Short Story, Part 1
Once upon a time, there was a teenage boy named Pilsner. Pilsner’s family was very poor; they lived in a town home in Baltimore. Every day, Pilsner would wake up, think about all the great things he would do that day, then wait until his mother would unlock the handcuffs that secured him to the stairwell railing. He would go have his bowl of sweat-sock juice, then receive his morning beating from his father. How he loved those morning beatings the most; his father was always so much gentler after his morning love-making session with Pilsners’ sister (also Pilsner’s mother). The afternoon session – when his father got back from drinking heavily after working as a roofer for a construction agency – was usually filled with drunken hate. But after his Dad got his nut in, he had a much more enjoyable demeanor. Pilsner’s sister (who is also his mother) was born in to a much more loving environment, because HER mother (Pilsner’s father’s first wife) had been very cheerful, and loved ferrets. There used to be 10 ferrets running around the house at all times, and they would laugh and play with everyone. Unfortunately, there was a huge alien invasion, and the aliens burned the house to the ground and took the first wife back to their home planet to experiment on. Pilsner’s father was so upset that he could no longer have his first wife, that he took the closet thing he could, which was his daughter, and forced her to give him another child. Pilsner was born. Also, all of Pilsner’s father’s life savings had been in the house that was burned, along with all of his college degrees and records that showed he was smart and wealthy, and that is why they became poor and destitute.
Today though, when Pilsner woke up, something felt different. He couldn’t figure out what it was, until he began his morning ball massage; he had scales on his penis! At first, when he had reached down his pants, he thought he had had another nocturnal emission and that his father would take his knife and peel back the epidermis of his shins again. But now he did not know what to think. Would this be better or worse? He realized quickly that he would have to either hide this new discovery or make up a story to explain it, but what? His father always gave him a morning physical inspection, so he could try and rub cream on it. But the scales were a bright, incandescent yellow! So he tried to think up a story, but he heard his father grunting from upstairs. The morning rush had started! Quickly Pilsner thought, he had to with all his might find a reason for his glowing, scaly member. Radioactive goo? No, too unrealistic, even with all the alien ships crashed all around and the nuclear reactors they lived beneath. Kids at school? No, if kids at school had done something to his penis and he told his father that, he would get something even worse than a beating. Tell his father he had sex with a gold statue? Maybe, but he didn’t know of any gold statues, let alone one that could be raped.
Then, from upstairs, “AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.” His time was almost up! He still had nothing, and he heard footsteps on the stairs. It was his mother/sister. She uncuffed him and he bit his lip. He was not allowed to talk to her and she couldn’t talk to him; his father wouldn’t allow it, and she had lost her vocal cords in a hedge maze. His father crashed down the stairs, nun chucks in hand.
“Lower the pants, boy,” he said.
“Dad, can we do the beating before the physical today?”
His dad looked at him, and thought long and hard. “Well, I am in a feisty mood. Why not? Turn around.” Pilsner smiled and obeyed, and took his lashings without crying. When it was over, he turned around.
“Eat your juice, then get ready for your physical.” Pilsner went in to the kitchen (which was also the bathroom). There were no doors in the house, because Pilsner’s dad liked to know what was going on at all times, but Pilsner saw him go back upstairs.
“Now’s my chance” he thought, but he still didn’t know what to do. The front door was always locked, and the latches were a foot too high for Pilsner to reach. Since there was no furniture, there was nothing for Pilsner to stand on to reach it. All that was in the house were a deck of playing cards and 7 bottles of gin. Pilsner had been preparing for this moment all his life, so he took two bottles of gin and went to the top of the stairs. He poured them all over the steps as he walked back down. Then, he took two more bottles and doused the door with them. As he finished, he heard his father coming back down.
“What the hell is that smell?” He said. When he hit the first step, he slipped and fell on his back, then slid all the way down the stairs.
“YOU BASTARD” he yelled at Pilsner. Pilsner was not afraid. His father got up and started walking towards him. “You’re gonna get it now.” Pilsner pulled out the deck of cards.
“Stay back” he said.
“Oh, what are you gonna do? I’m going to beat you within an inch of death, then kill you, then bring you back, then make you smoke cigarettes until you get cancer!” Pilsner had enough. He took one card and threw it with amazing force and accuracy. It cut right through his father’s left arm, slicing off his hand and wrist. His father screamed in pain.
“Stay back!” Pilsner yelled.
“What did you do?” His father said. “I’m going to kill you!” Pilsner fired three more cards that knocked his father back against the door without cutting him. These were soon followed by 12 more that went through his father’s cloths and stuck in the door, holding his father in place. Pilsner took two more bottles of gin and poured them on his father.
“Take this!”
His father laughed.
“What are you going to do? You’re a kid. I own you. You can’t do anything to me.”
“You’re wrong.” Pilsner said. And with that, he took two cards and threw them together, and the friction in midair caused them to light on fire, and they went straight through the gin and into his father’s chest, and he immediately exploded from the inside. Pilsner ran upstairs through the burning flames to find his mother/sister. She was tied up in the bed, fully clothed. He untied her and they jumped out of the window in to a river. They washed up on the other side and saw what little of a house they had burn to the ground.
“Well, that was fun.” Pilsner said. He looked down to see the scales had spread to his cover his legs and feet! His mother/sister made hilarious grunting noises and pointed at Pilsner’s legs, which made him laugh, because she couldn’t talk. They ran in to the invisible wall that was on the other side of the river. They looked at each other and laughed, then ran around the wall and in to the Indian reservation.
Pilsner explained that they needed to talk to the Indian chief to see if he knew what was happening to Pilsner. From out of a teepee jumped three little Indians.
“Halt, who goes there?” the Indians said in a smoke signal.
“I don’t understand what that means,” Pilsner said “but I need to talk to your chief.” He dropped his pants to show them why. They all gasped. The scales had now spread up towards Pilsners chest. They grabbed his hands and pulled him towards the center of the village.
By this time, word had spread and the entire village was out, along with the chief. He layed Pilsner down on a bed of human teeth, and examined him. After a thorough look, the chief looked at Pilsner. “
You” he said “have been chosen as the scaled champion. You must pass three trials, and your deepest wishes will come true. If you do not pass them in time, you will change in to a scaled dragon, and become a huge powerful beast to be feared by everyone.”
“Well why would I want to pass the trials then? Being a dragon would be bad-ass!”
“Because, dragons never get to mate. They are asexual. Meaning, you will get pregnant by yourself, and you will never interact with another dragon.”
“What are these trials?” Pilsner said all as one word.
“What?” asked the Chief. Pilsner repeated, only slower. The chief told him.
“So, what were the three trials?” Pilsner asked.
“I just told you. It took me a minute, and I told you all of them. Weren’t you listening?”
“No” Pilsner said, “I was thinking what to name a dog with three legs. What do you think of ‘Tripod?’?”
“The trials are important to your future.”
“Well so is figuring out a name in case I ever get a three-legged dog! But, I guess this comes first. Please continue.” The chief began again.
“Your first trial will be by land. A challenger will come you must out-smart. Your second challenge will be by water. A challenger will come you must out-power. Your third challenge will cum on your face. A challenger will come you must out-love. If you can complete all three, you will un-do your curse.” Pilsner left without saying good bye.
He came.
Then, after a nap, he walked and came across a clearing in the woods, with 12 stumps aligned in a ring. He sat. He saw something coming from the other side of the clearing. An antelope appeared.
“Hello” said Pilsner.
“What? You think I’m your friend because I’m not scared to walk out in the open with you? Fuck that shit nigga. I ain’t scared of no motherfuckers in this bitch. You got beef ? Huh? Didn’t think so cocklicker. I’ll cap your bitch ass if you say something again. Say something again! Go on! Dick riding faggots taken over my woods. I’m the king of the jungle, nigga. Don’t you think otherwise you pussy bitch. I will pull a condom over your face while I hang you from your dick off one of these fuckin tree branches.”
Pilsner realized this must be his first test. “Na, na holmes. I just be recongnizin yo greatness. I was acknoledgin the higher power status you possess, not trying to cause a ruckus. I am yo humble servant in these woods.”
“Aw hell nah. Don’t try sucking my dick to get a piece of the pie, nigga. Don’t make me come over there and stomp your ass. I will gore you! You play mortal kombat before motherfucker? I will acid spray your face like reptile nigga!”
“Yo, you better slow your role esse before I gut your ass.”
“Who do you think you’re talking to like that? You must want an ass-beating running your mouth like that.”
“You better shut your goddamn face before I do it for you. I tried to be the nice one, but I don’t have a problem laying a nigga 6 feet.”
“Oh that is it. You’s a dead motherfucker!” The antelope began coming at Pilsner. Pilsner began hopping from stump to stump in a circle.
The antelope said “Stand still you fairy boy bitch and get what you deserve.” But the antelope didn’t watch were he was going, and he stepped right in front of a stump and his leg broke, and he collapsed in a heap.
“Niggaaaaaaaaaa” said the antelope before he died.
“One down” Pilsner thought.
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